|
Liar’s Café By Nick Nixon The annual Liar’s Convention contest brought out the best fibbers of the Friday Writers’, Booze and Boast Critique Group. My meager entry was a simple one. Bill had just sat down from the mic, gloating with his probable victory. I swallowed my anxiety and began my tale. “I have…” I said. “Louder!” shouted the deaf guy. “I cleared my throat and began again. I said, “I have two teenage grandsons and a flash light…” “Yeah?” yelled Bill, trying to throw my timing. Nervous but determined, I boldly started over. “I said, I have two teenage grandsons and a flash light, and all three will work!” Thunderous applause insed…ensood…issud…inshewd…followed. It was the proudest moment of my life when I collected the first place prize which was an impressive one--three free lessons from award winning liar, Master Dual Soot. Him and his faithful dog Fee-Fee are at this minute lying on the porch of his chalet on Lake Endsbroke practicing. Bills lying entry…“Hee Haw was Originally Deemed a Documentary During the First Three Years of its Run” was disqualified for being actually proven true in Poplar Bluff. Paul of “Murder Lake” brought in the evidence from a county wide survey done before the mayors death. Near the enshrined home of Judy Jumphofferdam, the author of the “Pullets Prize” winning novel, “I Chickened Out While Lying Upon Widows Walk.” Sub-titled, “I Don’t Wanna Be One More Notch on Your Bed, George Jones.” The party kinda broke up when it was revealed that Donna Sue has a tattoo, and some secret metalic body ornamentation. The Morality Police took her away screaming “Come out Delilah and reveal yourself, they think I’m you. You awful person.” The shocking revelation to us all was that Clawdy Girl had recently been fired from her previous position with the Luxury Home Lake Development, for sexual harassment of the owner/director and disabled war veteran. They said she had the carpenters remove the wheel chair ramp from his office entrance. Some lewd photos are on their way to the new “Home Depot Builders-Friend and Tabloid.” Sub-titled, “Who’s Sleepin’ Around the Lumber Pile.” Also in the news, it was reported that “Weird Magazine” released a scandalous picture and accompanying story of Tom Selleck lying in the ER with two blue puncture wounds on his otherwise perfect tanned neck. A blood-stained copy of the 150,000 word book, “Para-normal Table Etiquette.” Sub-titled, “Accepted Norms of Polite Vampire Society,” was in his clutches. They had to use the Jaws of Life to pry it loose. Know anything ‘bout this Loulie Girl? Nick Hickson was discovered to be an ex-English teacher at Harvurd. He taught for three years before being discovered a fake, then dropped out to pursue computer science. He has just published a new book with Over the Hill Press entitled, “My Manyell of Spailing and Punk-jew-ations. Sub-titled, “Man, This Shit is Easy.” The Army signed a contract with Alees Doubleword to study her vocal cords and the nomenclature of her mouth and speaking apparatus to help further development on a new rapid fire machine gun for the war department. She once recited the Gettysburg-Address in 3.6 seconds. Becky Pov-arochie came in second with 3.8 seconds. Amazing, but they too, are Harvurd graduwaits. It was a big night for all, especially at the end when Bea’s brother came in with his childhood sweetheart, who runs a women’s weight lifting gym and was bent on revenge for the beating she took from Bea fifty or more years ago. After the fight the café owner hired them both to mud wrestle on Thursday evenings. The billboard reads “Bea and Bitch” wrestle tonight. 8:00 to 10:00 pm. The Fire department finally solved the fire alarms that occur every Tuesday on north Main. The love stories brought in by Bill, Paul and Nick are so emotionally fired, the resulting heat radiates clean through the walls and out into the main street of town setting off many false alarms. Proving that we are not the only liars around O’Fallon. Look for The Booze and Boast Critique Gazelle and Renue your sub-cryption today!
|